The Parasocial Trap: Are Jim and Pam Your Best Friends?

As I continue to speak on digital boundaries and the concepts of digital minimalism, I am finding that people seem a little, well… starved for something different in their own lives than the monotony of Netflix and Instagram. And, at the same time, also almost humorously defensive about their digital consumption. 

I believe most people have had (or are currently having) the experience that the more they let themselves get sucked into a vortex of numbed-out scrolling and streaming, the emptier they feel inside and lonelier their lives are on the outside. (Yet we can easily convince ourselves that the one tip we learned about nutrition or one nice Instagram chat we had with our pal in Nashville makes it alllll worth it.) 

Whelp, this is an insidious and complex issue and this blog post isn’t going to solve it, it instead focuses on one piece of the puzzle; defining and fleshing out the idea of the ‘parasocial’. 

Parasocial basically means one-sided relationships. In young people (and adults of course too, but thankfully not many of the adults that I kick it with), this shows up with a high level of interest and dedication to the lives of celebrities and influencers, to the point that they feel like they are in a deep and serious relationship with them. 

This also shows up in streaming, especially where there are many seasons of a particular show, and it is being consumed over and over again. One may start to identify with the characters as friends. If you are hanging out with Jim and Pam from The Office most weeknights, say (for your fifth bingey romp through the entire series) you may be rooting for them, lamenting with them, rolling your eyes at the rest of the office with them. I will start to feel like this is your tight little friend group, consisting of you, Jim, and Pam, just pallin’ around like you usually do over dinner on Tuesdays. 

Now, I will note that there are loads of examples of one-sided relationships that can be extremely beneficial. Many people have teachers and mentors that they have never met (myself included), and may consistently consume their content, to the point that they feel like they really know this person. This can be great and fine and wonderful, and I would argue, is one of the fabulous benefits of a digitally-connected society. 

In a lot of these cases, there may be a feeling of being connected to these people, of being in relationship with them. And this is correct! One-sided relationships are still most certainly, relationships. 

And whether or not these specific relationships are having a positive influence on your life is actually not the point here (though I would strongly encourage a little looksie). 

So what’s the problem? 

The issue is that these parasocial relationships may be impacting your desire and availability to actually go out in the world and have tangible, person-to-person interactions. Remember those? 

Embodied interactions, meaning actual physical bodies meeting in actual physical space. With all of the potential messiness and of what it means to have another being interacting with you in real time. 

Embodied relationships are so important, so critical, but parasocial relationships not only don’t function in the same way for our mental and physical health, but can play tricky tricks on ya mind, where you may believe that you are having a social experience, when in fact your muscles for interacting with new people, making new friends, for showing up in new social settings…continue to atrophy. And you continue to feel lonelier and lonelier. 

Which may then feed that ol’ chestnut, the negative feedback loop; keeping you on the couch more, it being safer to just chill with Jim and Pam, than, say, chatting up a stranger at an event. The more couch time, the less capable you are in social situations. And on and on the downward spiral goes. 

But that stranger at the event? Sure. Chances are high that they could be an annoying rando who talks incessantly about themselves and their kids and never once asks you anything about yourself, and you are delighted to say goodbye to them forever, or…they could be very cool and become an important person in your life. 

You just won’t know till you turn off The Office and go outside.