Still Waiting for Someone to Save You From Your Phone? Sovereignty and Agency in the Digital Age

Years ago, I was floating down a river with a friend visiting from New York. We had been friends for a long time and we had traveled a lot together. I was well-acquainted with the drill: this particular person would be on her phone most of the time, and the river was no exception. 

We pulled our tubes up to the bank to hang out on shore and splash around a bit. I lost my balance on a rock, reached for her tube to steady myself, and two things happened in quick succession: I heard a ‘plop’ sound, and then the music that had been blaring from her phone stopped. 

She had balanced her phone on the empty tube, and I had bounced it right into the drink. An immediate panic set in. This was someone who was utterly, completely, no-reason-to-question-it devoted to being a ‘phone person’. Someone who, in the Mexican jungle, I could not convince to leave her screen long enough to give a shit about the red and green parrots with four-feet tails. A woman who, fifteen years ago, had convinced me not to take a guide book on our extremely last-minute trip to France because we would ‘definitely’ have wi-fi everywhere and because OH GOD, we wouldn’t want to look dorky. (Short story: we didn’t have international cell service, there absolutely was not wi-fi everywhere, and thus, heartbreakingly, we spent an inordinate amount of our time in France hunting down shitty tourist cafes just for the free wi-fi to figure out where the hell we were going to stay the next day.)

So one may be able to imagine my fear that, as the reality of her phone possibly being destroyed sunk in (this also being before the days of waterproof phones), things were going to get ugly. 

I looked over at her in horror, completely expecting a full-on meltdown, as I timidly announced what had happened. I braced myself, but she was…. eerily calm. In fact, she seemed almost pleased. I offered to exit the river at that very moment, head straight to the store and find the rice. Do the bag trick. Meh, she said, there was no hurry. What’s done is done, and let’s just enjoy the rest of the day. 

And we did. With much baffled awe, over the course of the day I watched this person transform before my very eyes into someone else. Someone who was engaged with her surroundings. Who seemed more at peace, goofier; lighter. Like she was able to be present and enjoy herself…finally. 

I kept waiting for the ball to drop until I realized that she genuinely was happier. She was a woman liberated, freed. From her phone. A gift: permission to enjoy what was happening right in front of her. 

It blew my mind. 

Fast forward a bunch of years to my most recent relationship. About a year in, two things began to emerge: 1) my increased dedication to digital boundaries in business and life, having by this point read heaps and gaggles of studies on how detrimental addiction to digital devices is for our lives, brains, focus, relationships, on and on…and 2) my former partner’s complete agreement on the topic, strong assertions in support of the data, irritation and comments on others’ phone use, yet no apparent intention to temper or manage his own phone use and addiction to social media. (Throw that yellow flag into the growing pile right over there, and I’ll promptly ignore it just like the rest.)

With us living over an hour apart, and very limited and precious time together, his need to continuously scroll social media, and his phone face-up right next to us, blooping and blonging during important conversations about our future, was…really starting to get to me. (And admittedly, I was starting to become a real b*#ch about it, which didn’t help matters.)

I had yet to comprehend what an emerging value looks like, and to fully accept how differences in core values (even new, tender ones) can render people highly incompatible as life partners; another chapter for the Devastating Lessons We Learn As We Get Older book. 

So anywho, this became a sad and tricky Big Relationship Problem, and somewhere in there, in what I could only assume was a sort of olive branch/ acknowledgement, he sent me the following widely-circulated meme: 

Ohhhkayyy… I did see the point, and after so many quibbles turning into actual fights about his phone, I was eager for any tiny glimmering little hint that he might be willing to be fully present when we were together, or at least give it a shot. 

But something really bothered me about the nature of this meme (which I very much hope is at least part of the author’s point), and it took a little while to pinpoint. Reflecting on the experience with my friend from New York helped: 

The issue is the implication that we have absolutely no control over our own phone use, no sovereignty or agency, and that we need to have it physically removed by external forces in order for us to be present with those in our lives; to pay attention to anything else. 

Ugh. And YIKES. This realization literally made my skin feel funny. 

Now, the fact that social media and tech companies make phones and apps with the same technology as slot machines and other brain-altering addictive powers should be nothing new to anyone by this point. 

But, to throw up one's hands? To imply, well darn, my social media does stay open all day unlike a shop, so you: my girlfriend, my friends, my family…whelp, you’re all outta luck, pardners. 

Imma just gonna keep mining for these fake dopamine hits till my brain is completely depleted and there’s nothing left for you, or for my own beautiful life. 

No. 

Am I about to suggest that you go off the grid and become a luddite and eschew all forms of technology and entertainment? Erm, no of course not, nor is that even feasible at this point.

But I am saying that you should (and can!!) BE YOUR OWN SHOPKEEPER. 

Push back, even just a little! Question your use. Use the tools as tools, or as entertainment sometimes, or both, but for the love of god, do it with intention. 

And please, prioritize the people RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU over what the hell that girl that you met in Cancun in 2007 is eating for lunch. 

You can set parameters around your screen use without throwing your phone into the river. You can put your phone away and be fully present with your loved ones without someone else having to physically shut it down for you at 6pm. 

This is your incredible, beautiful, limitless life, and I PROMISE YOU, there are more interesting things out there for you than scrolling. And there are people who would love your full presence. 

So how do we do this? How do we push back when the allure is strong? With our brains physically changing to be wired for it? 

We practice. We take baby steps. We do it in community. 

Sign up to join me and others in a little free event, the Screen-Free Sunday Challenge coming up this Sunday, August 3. 

24 hours to engage with the rest of your life off screens. Strengthen the connection to yourself and others IN REAL LIFE. 

Yes it's uncomfortable. It’s hard. That’s the point. AND IT’S IMPORTANT. 

One Day. No Screens. Everything Else. See ya there.